WHERE'S THE SUBTLETY? Where's the originality? Where, in short, is the beef? It saddens me deeply to tell you that for reasons best left to television executives, HRH Britney Spears shall be returning to 'How I Met Your Mother'. This, of course, is because she appeared on the program earlier and gave them a big ratings boost. Everyone watched.

Of course they watched! They wanted to see if she'd shave her head or birth a baby right in the middle of the taping, or stand up and let her paunch dribble out of the sides of her pleather lace-up mini. And now it has been declared that she will return, since clearly what people want to see is more Britney Spears. If I were an exec, I might question whether people actually like the poor girl or whether they're just waiting to see what heinous breech of common decency she perpetrates next. I mean, that's why I'm watching! If she returns and again does nothing Louisianan, well- what's the point? They'll piss off the regular fans in exchange for thirty minutes of slightly higher ratings which will drop back to nothing when Brit-Brit (1) crawls back under the rock from whence she came, or (2) fails to deliver the crazy. Poor Doogie Howser. He's the Cassandra of his generation.

No, if you want originality you'll have to turn to the headlines, where you'll find that charming Austrian gentleman who imprisoned his daughter in the basement of his house for twenty-odd years and forced her to have his children (seven in all).

!!!!!

?!?!?!?!?

!!!! ??? !!!!

The part that really rocks you back on your heels is the information that he was in fact married to someone and had children with her... and that they all lived in the house!

?!?!??!

"Excuse me, Klaus, but you're standing in the way of the basement."
"I, um... You don't need to go down there."
"Yes, Klaus, I need some pickles. Move it."
"You can't. I... uh... I just farted down there. Sorry. I'll go get your pickles."

How does one keep that up for twenty years? Additionally, why do German-speakers turn out to be so insane? Is it the language? The weather? The genes?

At least you know you can trust Governor Shwarzenegger. Sure, he uses his basement to re-animate skeletons with the help of an Igor and some lightening bolts, but at least he's kind enough about it to take them into the daylight and call them his wife.